If you've ever felt uncomfortable discussing sex with your partner, you're not even close to being alone.
However, while it might feel less awkward in the short term to stay silent, you might also be missing out on one of the most powerful tools for relationships and your own personal health. Scientific research actually shows that open communication between partners about intimacy is associated with improved psychological well-being and lower depressive symptoms.1
That’s why we think World Mental Health Day is the perfect time to have the conversation about having the conversation. So, if you've been avoiding this discussion with your partner, or if you’re the one wishing the other would speak up, breaking that silence could be one of the most meaningful things you do for your mental health this year.
Awkwardness Is Actually a Sign They Care
It’s important to remember that the awkwardness a person feels about discussing sex with their partner isn't a flaw. It's evidence that the relationship matters to them. That discomfort arises because intimacy is vulnerable, and vulnerability only feels risky when something is truly important.
Instead of an obstacle, see the nervousness as a reminder that both you are both important to each other, which is exactly why this conversation matters.
Why Silence Isn’t the Answer
When couples avoid discussing their needs and desires, they don't sidestep discomfort, they amplify it. Research examining couples communication patterns shows that sexual avoidance is strongly associated with lower relationship satisfaction, increased conflict, and reduced sexual fulfillment for both partners.2 One may feel rejected or undesired, while the other feels pressured or misunderstood. And both are left feeling alone, even when they're together.
Don’t Forget We’re All Different
Some people grew up in families where emotions were openly discussed at dinner; others learned feelings were best kept to yourself. Some people are naturally verbose and expressive; others process internally and prefer to think before speaking. Research shows that individuals who received limited sexual education or grew up in environments where sexuality was stigmatized experience greater difficulty with sexual communication in their adult relationships.3 But difficulty doesn't mean impossibility.
Understanding that communication style is shaped by history—not determined by it—is the first step toward changing it.
5 Tips to Start Opening Up
If you recognize yourself in any of these barriers, the good news is that they're not insurmountable. Thousands of couples have broken through these same patterns and discovered what's waiting on the other side: deeper connection, better sex, and improved mental health. Here's how to start:
1. Prep and Choose the Right Time
Before you talk to your partner, acknowledge what you're feeling and recognize that these feelings are normal. Remind yourself why you want this conversation: because you care about your relationship and want to feel closer. Then choose a calm time and private place when you're both present and unhurried, because stress and exhaustion derail vulnerable conversations before they start.
2. Ask Questions and Start Small
You don't need to have The Big Conversation in one sitting. Start smaller, ask questions and don’t make demands. "I've been thinking about us, and I'd really like us to feel more connected. Can we talk about that?" or "I care about our relationship, and I want to know if there’s anything you've wanted to talk about?" Remember, these opening lines are supposed to invite dialogue without opening the whole dam.
3. Be Vulnerable Too
Don't just ask your partner to be vulnerable. Share your own worries and desires. "I sometimes worry I'm not satisfying you" or "I feel nervous talking about this, but it matters to me." If your partner says something that surprises you, pause before responding. Recognize that their experience is valid even if it's not what you expected. Research on couples communication demonstrates that when partners engage in structured, collaborative communication about difficult topics, they experience measurable improvements in relationship satisfaction and reduced psychological distress.4
4. Expect Multiple Conversations
Healthy sexual communication is an ongoing practice, not a one-time fix. You'll have initial conversations, then follow-ups, then conversations that circle back to earlier topics. That's normal and healthy. Each conversation builds on the last, creating a pattern of openness that makes the next one easier. Over time, what felt impossibly vulnerable becomes simply how you two communicate.
5. Consider Professional Support
If you've tried to open this conversation and it keeps hitting roadblocks, or if shame and anxiety feel overwhelming, a sex therapist or couples counselor can help. There's no shame in getting professional support. It's actually a sign you're committed to growth. A trained therapist can help both of you navigate the conversation in a structured, supportive way.
5 Tips to Encourage Your Partner
If you're waiting for your partner to open up about intimacy, you might feel stuck between wanting to push for conversation and not wanting to pressure them. The good news is countless couples have moved from silence to openness, and many times it's because one partner created enough safety and consistency that the other finally felt able to share. Here's how to encourage your partner:
1. Stop Asking All the Time
You want your partner to open up, and asking them directly is good, but try to refrain from repeating yourself. Pestering someone makes them want to respond less, as anyone who has kids knows.If your partner is simply not a big talker, be patient and give them freedom. They could be struggling with anxiety or embarrassment that will take some time to get past. Think of them like a cat who never comes to you when called. However, when they feel the freedom to come and go as they choose, they’re suddenly sitting in your lap.
2. Don’t Belittle Them
When your partner shares feelings or intimate details with you, be sure to respond positively and avoid any disparaging comments or expressions that might be misinterpreted as impatience. Making the situation awkward for your partner could just make them shut down again. Reinforce their efforts with statements such as, “Thank you for sharing that with me.” and “ I really appreciate that explanation.” Remember, encouragement brings about more sharing.
3. Try to Understand Why
Your partner’s reluctance to share feelings could be for any reason—maybe even one you would never have guessed. Consider your partner’s family history. There might be similar patterns of communication. Or perhaps they’ve been given bad advice at some other time in their lives. If you can get some clear understanding of events from their past, you might gain insight and patience to overcome deep-set obstacles.
4. Celebrate the Small Wins
Each time your partner shares something intimate and receives acceptance rather than judgment, they're rewiring their brain to believe that vulnerability with you is safe. The more you notice and appreciate these incremental steps, the more willing they'll be to take bigger ones. Think of it like encouraging a child learning to walk, you don't expect them to sprint on day one. You celebrate the wobbling steps, the stumbles that lead to standing, and each bit of progress along the way.
5. It Could Take Time
Sharing intimate parts of your life can be terrifying, especially if your partner has anxiety or a history of trauma. Take everything one step at a time and invest in your long-term relationship, instead of expecting all the answers you need immediately. Working through issues with a partner takes patience and time, and a healthy dollop of love can help the process along. Take baby steps. Listen hard. And take it nice and slow.
The Bottom Line
Whether you're the one struggling to open up or waiting for your partner to share, breaking silence about intimacy with your partner isn't just good for your sex life—it's essential for your mental health and relationship well-being.
This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for personalized medical advice.
1Pazmany E, Bergeron S, Verhaeghe J, Van Oudenhove L, Enzlin P. Talking about sex when sex is painful: Dyadic sexual communication is associated with women's pain, and couples' sexual and psychological outcomes in provoked vestibulodynia. Arch Sex Behav. 2015;45(8):1941-1954.
2Rosen NL, Bergeron S, Gleason J, Delisle I, Babin EA. Demand-withdrawal and sexual well-being in couples. Arch Sex Behav. 2024.
3Babin EA. An examination of predictors of nonverbal and verbal couple sexual communication. J Soc Pers Relat. 2012;29(1):33-47.
4Faramarzi M, Salmalian H. The effect of communication skills training on marital satisfaction and psychological health during pregnancy: a couple focused approach. J Caring Sci. 2014;3(1):11-20.
